Again..!

Useless rant post alert. Don't read this.


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Some people might call me crazy. Some might find my stubbornness determination to get into med school rather interesting, or amusing.
But I've done it, again. I applied for medicines, again. And this time, I've opted for the 'Decentrale Selectie', a series of entry tests taken by a certain institution which may grant you permission to study medicines with this institution, as well.

Health & Life Sciences isn't that bad, especially when we're dealing with the immune system, but it just isn't it for me.

Am I obsessed with med school?
Maybe.

I'm tired, and in pain. Either my appendix or my ovary is still trying to kill me. Or pester the hell out of me.
I'm finding it hard to continue with Health & Life Sciences. My little protegees occasionally make me feel like introducing my forehead to the wall. 
I took one look at the requirements for the decentralized selections for med school, and immediately wanted to curl up in a fetal position and cry.

I envy my friends for being able to start the study they love without so much of a hassle. Above all, I respect and envy those who got into med school.
Being rejected for med school when it's become an obsession is like being rejected by a lover.
It sucks. Everywhere around me, I see people who are happy with what they're studying, while I have to deal with something I generally dislike.

People think med school is both fun and hard work. They're right. Simply making it through the bachelor part is an accomplishment in itself.

But merely applying for med school is a horrendous task as well.
Applicants have studied for a long time just to get into med school, while over 60% of them will never get into med school. We all know it. We knew how slim our chances were, yet we continued.
Those who were rejected would wallow in grief for a while. Some of them ended up doing something else, but there are also people who will continue at med school until they're finally accepted, or until their resources are spent. I'll probably be one of those.
 
I'm scared of being rejected again, and I'm certainly not fond of having to wallow in grief for another month. But those who don't try, will never enter med school.
I'm afraid I won't be good enough for med school, but my natural inclination towards healing and comforting others seems to say otherwise.
Even if I do enter med school, I'm afraid I'll be one of the drop-outs I currently hate so much.
I'm afraid I'll taint the name of the gynaecologist who managed to pluck me out of my mother's womb, while my chances were slim.

I feel like I'm drowning in self-doubt and fear. This is what applying for med school can do to you.

For me, applying for med school is like drinking an addictive poison.