It was Graves' Disease, also called Graves-Basedow, because those two people described the disease a long time ago.
It's essentially an auto-immune disease where my body thinks something fishy is going on and decides to create antibodies to something. This 'something' isn't known yet, but the antibodies stimulate my thyroid gland so that it creates more thyroid hormone than is necessary.
When my endocrinologist called me, I already had an inkling as to why my thyroid was going into overdrive. Graves disease is the most common cause for hyperthyroidism, and since I couldn't be all too special, I had to have some common things as well, right?
We had discussed my chances of having Graves Disease during our first appointment and came to an agreement that it was.. well. Quite high.
Even if I was already expecting that call, I was still waiting for someone.. something to confirm it.
I didn't have the enormous goitre (swollen thyroid gland at the base of the neck), nor did I have the bulging eyes (exophthalmos/proptosis) that may be seen with Graves. But my thyroid gland was diffusely swollen, which kind of pointed at Graves being the culprit.
As I'm writing this, I'm still scratching myself on the head and wondering if it's really true. It's so unreal.
I have to tell myself: 'Ainyria, you have Graves' disease. It's real.'
It's messing me up, even if my symptoms aren't as bad, yet.
I have the attention-span of a toddler, and those episodes of heat intolerance (I feel like I'm an older lady going into menopause, sometimes) are really inconvenient.
I can barely pay attention to lectures. My grades are sinking really fast, too.
I always knew that even medical personnel could develop an illness. It just seemed like I was kind of immune to them.
'Patients have the diseases. We help them cope with them or cure them.'
And now, it's more like 'I am a future medical professional with a chronic illness.'
Sure, it could help me understand the patients' feelings more.
But I'm not happy.
I'm confused. And a little angry. My classmates are confused as well. We were told that older women, in their thirties and older, get the disease.
I'm 22. I'm young. I'm not even done with school yet. I don't want this stinkin' Graves' disease. Go * yourself, stupid disease.
People left and right are asking me how I diagnosed myself. How it is to have the disease.
I don't even know myself. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
I can get annoyed, or even furious, at the littlest of things. Blame Graves.
I had heart palpitations during an exam. I briefly thought I was going to die right there and then.
I'm afraid I'll develop other autoimmune diseases (Graves, you bastard. Don't you dare invite your other autoimmune friends!).
Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to beat something into mush.
Love,
a confused Ainyria.
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