Psych and PTSD..

Possible Trigger Warning.

This is a post in response to my ultra-short clinical rotation with the Psych department. I shadowed people at psychiatric consultation. Basically, any department which is in need of psych help regarding a patient can call us in. Be it Neuro, Cardio, Emergency Med, or Intensive Care. They call, we come.

Regarding the rotation: I liked it. I really did. Loved it, even.
My colleagues were nice (if a bit insane), and getting to visit a lot of different specialisms with different patients and different psych problems made for a really nice and diverse week.

But. There's a dark side to psych as well.
I encountered patients with suicidal tendencies. Patients which had been admitted to the Emergency Room or Intensive Care Unit because they attempted suicide. Patients which the head of psych didn't want to release, because of the high risk of a repeated attempt in the near future.

Among those patients, were patients with a past riddled with abuse. Physical, verbal, and maybe even sexual. And I - being the wimp I am - was dead scared of encountering those patients.
Not because they might lash out physically, or even verbally. But because my own stupid brain likes to make my life difficult.

You see, I was verbally and physically abused in my childhood years as well.
It's been years since my parents last laid a hand on me, but I hate being reminded of the abuse. I don't often talk about it (most of the times, I'd rather not talk about it at all), and act as if I'm a regular person, just like everyone else.
Only I'm not. I fit the bill for classic PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I avoid triggers which remind me of my past like the plague, I avoid the people who've done this to me, and I still suffer from 'hyperarousal' symptoms: I am always 'on guard', easy to startle, I don't fall asleep easily, and all that shebang.

Because of this, I was particularly afraid of my psych rotation.
Being reminded of my past can trigger a psychological and physiological response in me, and reset me to the state of what I was when I was still living through the abuse.
A good trigger can set off a months-long depression, with thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal ideas sprouting in my mind.

I encountered at least two patients with suicidal tendencies and PTSD. Each of them with a past of verbal and physical abuse, similar to my own.
.. And I'm still doing.. okay.
I survived the hell that was thrown at me, and came out okay.
I've healed just enough for me to be able to handle my emotions whenever I'm seeing patients with a past that's somewhat similar to my own.

This week has given me hope.
I'm going to be alright. Eventually.